I have a lot of demons. I've made a lot of mistakes. But I'd like to suppose that I can move on from them.
But the harder I fought my demons, the stronger they grew.
I do not wish to complain. I do not wish to have done what I have done. I do not wish to have regret, or a stabbing over-sense of responsibility, a strive in sensitivity.
I've been struggling for the past months. Even so in the last month. I was overcame with the urge to end my life. I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell anybody. And nobody asked. I brooded over it, and came to conclusion that I could do no such thing with my mother in consideration. But as I tried to cope with my problems, I noticed they multiplied in size, in darkness, and in seriousness.
I had brought with me my many years of rather dull experiences in the perspective of the rest of the world, but almost unacceptable in the eyes of the people around me, I would think. I am that type of person, that forgives, but never forgets. But that was only when it came to other people. Because when it came to me, I could never forgive, let alone forget.
I am not a whole child, a pure child. Nothing was done to me, but the things that I've chosen to do, thoughtlessly. I have not lost a lot, but yet I seemed to be crumbling away at the edges because of these little things. I have not been dysfunctional all my life, no. But it came to my attention that, I should be. Or in other words, why shouldn't I be? Because others have it worse than me? It wasn't a good enough reason. I could deal with worse, if it were inflicted on me. Because the only thing I've always been running away from is responsibility.
There is something about me. Something that brings me to claw myself and hit myself. Something that permits me to punish myself when no one else would. But just as the problems are not as big, these punishments are just as little. I cannot cut myself. I cannot attempt to commit suicide.
But I wish I could.
+ Darla
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September 04 at 10:46PM
I've been trying to get someone to notice this.
But no one will.
But true, why should they?
+ Darla
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September 08 at 02:16AM
There's been another fight.
It's not that bad. Nobody ever gets hurt physically.
But maybe that's what's dangerous about it. You can't see someone bleeding on the inside.
+ Darla
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September 17 at 4.29PM
My room.
This is where everything happens. Where everything happened.
Everything that goes wrong with me. I don't know why, or how. Or if these little things matter. But it just feels like it should.
Maybe I'm just overthinking it?
It's just the long nights, the crying, the accidents, the broodings, the times when I'm bored and the moments where I'm sick of myself. Everything happened right here.
How do I sleep at night?
+ Darla
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September 17 at 9.52PM
You spend your life moving on.
+ Darla
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September 24 at 00.28AM
There's a boy.
There's always a boy.
God, I'm sick of boys!
Dumped the last one, now, didn't I? Sickening. I hate myself.
But that's beside the point. (Well, yes, of course, I still hate myself.)
He's taken. I don't know him so well, and he doesn't know me so well. But we get along, very well. He makes me feel okay, but most people do. So what?
So I wish I had someone like him. But I can't tell anybody, 'cause he has a girlfriend. And I don't actually have feelings for him. I just wish I had someone like him. And I don't like boys. They scare me now. I don't know why. It's just a statement, that.
But I think if he weren't taken, and if I'd never been taken, just because I couldn't wait -- that was it. I just couldn't wait, could I?
Bitch.
(Oh, no, I'm talking about myself.)
+ Darla
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September 27 at 04.10AM
I remember.
A lot of things. Can't really tell what's worth remembering and what's not anymore.
+ Darla
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September 27 at 4.18AM
I think they suck.
I'm talking about my friends. They just suck.
No, it's not my teenage bitch of a drama queen side talking here. They just do.
I was in school, around them, and I couldn't help it, I just cried, and nobody bloody cared. I felt sick around them. And I kept digging my nails into my forearm. But it wouldn't bleed.
I don't know, I think they're gonna like it when I die.
...No, I don't think that.
I just really want to see their sorry faces, dripping with tears of remorse when I die.
Oh hey, right there, I just decided. I want to die.
+ Darla
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September 30 at 7.34PM
I had a good day today.
Yeah, invisible reader, finally, right? :)
I woke up and made breakfast for myself. Pancakes, yum. Then I went out for a walk. There's no one around, you see. My family went back to our hometown and it's just me at home. I like being alone sometimes.
Then I sat around listening to music and watching TV. What usually happens at those moments is that I get a panic attack on these nerves about how I should be studying. But I enjoyed watching NCIS this time around. Zero nervous attack.
Then I cooked pasta for lunch and sat outside, watching little cars zoom past and Mr. Roberts cat lazing on his porch until it started to rain. And I thought why not? Why not what? Play in the rain!
So I ran up and down, danced around, smiling to myself this crazy, wide smile. And I felt alive.
It reminds me of when I was little...
Oh God, here it comes.
Dead down. Bend.
Sheesshh. Can't have a full happy day now, can I?
+ Darla
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October 02 at 5.41PM
Watched Anastasia.
While I ate dinner. That was these ice cream cones with the ice cream toppled over chocolate-ed popcorn. I cried. Aw, shucks.
I miss being a kid.
+ Darla
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October 02 at 9.12PM
Goodness Gracious.
Oh, f***.
(appreciate the censorship).
WHUUT. It's my birthday next week already.
I hate my blood birthday.
Last year I made that mistake.... which... oh F***!
I hate birthdays.
I don't ever want to have another birthday.
KILL ME NOW!
+ Darla
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October 13 at 00.01PM
Untitled.
Last year, my mother had taken me out for brunch before I pranced out to see the rest of my friends and my *take note* boyfriend. My mom didn't know. She didn't.
I hate myself. Every f***ing day is a reminder of how I betrayed her trust.
Now, I have to face my birthday?
And now he's my ex. Yay. Great. I feel great. Just 'cuz I ended it before things got worse. But I feel sick to the gut when I think of myself.
Disgusting.
Yeah, you're right, it wasn't that bad. I didn't do anything that bad.
Yeah, you're right, it wasn't that bad. I didn't do anything that bad.
Bad enough, honey, bad enough.
+ Darla
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September 14 at 11.24PM
Tomorrow's the day.
I feel so much guilt that I feel like I could jsut come up and confess about things to my mom but I think she might die before she gets to murdering me so I won't say a word.
I love her so much.
And I hope to God that that's all that counts for.
I hit my head on the wall today.
+ Darla
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October 19 at 00.09PM
Here's the thing.